Put the d*mn phone down

TLDR: The title says it all. Put the damn phone down.

So, if you don’t need anything else, feel free to close this email. Or, if you want an explanation, read on.

We’re all aware of the importance of quality time with our loved ones, at least in the back of our minds. But, how often do we actually prioritize it? And, more importantly, is that so-called "quality" time actually…quality?

Google "the importance of quality time," and you'll find articles almost exclusively focused on family and romantic partners. While I do not deny that those relationships are undeniably vital, the principles of quality time extend far beyond. They enrich all connections, including friendships. As humans, we're hard-wired for social interaction and crave meaningful bonds. In today's hyper-connected yet often isolating world, prioritizing impactful moments amidst the ever constant digital hum is more critical than ever. Focusing on interpersonal relationships is a central component to my personal philosophy, and I firmly believe that we can all stand to improve the quality of our time with others.

Quantity vs. Quality

Think about it: How often have you found yourself with friends, family, or even your partner, only to have the time dissolve into a haze of phone scrolling, passive music listening, or detached conversations about nothing?

I'd submit there is a clear distinction between quantity and quality time. Contrary to what you might have been told, quality time is not sitting on the couch next to each other. Though this quantity time where you are sharing space with someone is important, simply being physically present doesn’t equate to quality. It is the fusion of intention and attention that moves us from quantity to quality. True quality time is achieved when we intentionally dedicate ourselves to giving each other our focused attention and when our intent is to fully engage, create meaningful connections, and deepen our emotional connection to each other with our undivided selves.

For any relationship, be it platonic, familial or romantic, quality time is crucial for emotional connection, building trust, mitigating stress, boosting communication, and creating lasting memories. While the specific activities that constitute quality time are subjective, what matters is that you both commit to sharing the time while minimizing distractions. While it doesn't need to be an hours-long affair, experts say devoting at least 20 to 30 minutes regularly towards quality connection can produce immediate, positive effects on social rapport and satisfaction.

Amplifying Your Quality Time

Here are five actionable strategies for maximizing quality time, regardless of the relationship:

1. Shared Enjoyment: Do something you both love. If you both enjoy hitting the gym or going fishing, fantastic! Transform this shared activity from quantity to quality by intentionally ditching distractions. Leave your phone in the car and engage in meaningful conversation, talk to each other instead of zoning out or listening to music in separate headphones.

2. Embrace New Adventures: Studies show that shared novel experiences forge stronger bonds. That's because novel experiences trigger the release of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, neurochemicals associated with reward, motivation, and heightened emotional connection, thus reinforcing and fortifying your bonds with others.

3. Practice Active Listening: Show genuine curiosity in what the other person has to say. Ask follow-up questions, make eye contact, and resist the urge to interrupt or formulate your response while they're speaking. This simple act of attentiveness demonstrates respect and fosters deeper understanding.

4. Engage in Meaningful Conversations: Skip the surface-level chatter and delve into topics that spark genuine interest and connection. Share your thoughts and feelings, explore each other's perspectives, and ask thought-provoking questions that encourage deeper reflection. Here is a great article with 100 questions to ask to ignite more stimulating conversation.

5. Create Rituals of Connection: Establish regular activities or routines that you can both look forward to and that foster a sense of closeness. This could be anything from weekly board game nights to spontaneous picnics in the park, as long as it's something you both enjoy and that allows you to connect on a deeper level.

The Distraction Detox

The linchpin of quality time is minimizing distractions. A few years ago, I started feeling "icky" when I was spending time with my friends and noticed everyone around me was glued to their phones. I first noticed it in myself when my mother would come to visit. We get 3 visits a year, sometimes 4 if we’re lucky, and I noticed that I was wasting the precious time we had together by scrolling through my phone. Lately, I've committed to making my phone a non-factor when I'm around people I value. I'll turn on "Do Not Disturb," place my phone face down during dinner, or even leave it in another room if I can. While I'm not perfect, and this is coming from someone who is maybe a little too obsessed with a stupid farming game on his phone, I'm dedicated to being a better, more present companion, friend, and partner.

A Simple Framework for Enhanced Connection

1. Communicate Your Intent: Tell the other person that you're intentionally setting aside distraction-free time and are committed to focusing on them. Simply stating your intention can amplify the impact of your time together.

2. Schedule Designated Time: If you're committed to enhancing your relationships, establish a time that works for both of you to be completely present. It could be a date night, a morning walk, or any shared activity. For friends and family, block off the time in your calendar. Don’t make appointments, don’t take phone calls (especially work calls), and choose activities that encourage new connections and memories.

3. Put the Damn Phone Down: I didn't grow up in a world without cell phones in my adult life, though I didn’t get my first iPhone until I was a sophomore in high school. But scientific research and empirical observation overwhelmingly conclude that cell phones inhibit in-person connection. If I could impart one overarching message, it's that cell phones are eroding your connections. It's not that I judge what you're doing, but doom scrolling, or sitting next to someone while one of you scrolls Facebook and the other peruses Amazon, even listening to music together - put it down.

Your Role in Cultivating Connection

You can't control other people's actions. If someone chooses to take a work call, “let them” (as Mel Robbins would say). However, you CAN control your own actions and commit to distraction-free time. There's no shame in leading by example, and just because someone else picks up their phone doesn't grant you permission to do the same. It starts with you and your initiative.

We all crave and need more quality time —better time with friends, pets, loved ones, and even ourselves. Whether it's at a new restaurant or on a road trip, put down the phone, make eye contact, and just talk.

I'd always encourage my students at the beginning of the year to simply talk to one another, to have a conversation that goes beyond "Hey, how are you?" Conversations don't need to be profound explorations of your most entrenched beliefs, but listening with full attention fosters deeper bonds and is so worth it for building better connections.

Prioritize Presence

When was the last time you were trying to talk to someone and they were distracted by their phone or watching TV? Annoying, right? Be proactive. You might be the only one to leave your phone in the car or switch it off, but at least you're demonstrating your commitment to the experience.

So yes, put the damn phone down. Look each other in the eye, ask questions, embrace the comfortable and awkward silences without defaulting to your phone, iPad, or TV. Commit to being fully present, even in small ways. Catch the cashier in the eye at Publix, smile genuinely, ask them about their day, and use their name when you tell them to have a great day. It's not difficult to create meaningful connections with others, but it's a skill we too often neglect or forget to hone. I cannot change everyone, and I can only control my actions and how I treat others, but my hope is to inspire you to revisit your commitment to healthy, meaningful relationships one quality moment at a time.

Together, we can build a better world where we relish our time with our loved ones, where we commit to kindling more fulfilling fires, and where we are free to just be.

Until next time, live uninterrupted.

~Coleman