Should-a had a V8

We've all been there.

Man, I should have done X.

Or, another form is I should be doing X.

How often do you tell yourself what you should be doing?

You should be working harder.

You should be making more money.

You should be able to enjoy a day off without thinking about work.

You should be in a different place by now.

I love etymology, especially tracing how the meaning of words change over time.

The word "should" comes form the Old English word sceolde, the past tense of the verb sceal, which meant "shall." Our modern "should" evolved from the Proto-Germanic word meaning "to owe" or "to be obligated."

But what is interesting about our modern use of the word "should" is that it no longer indicates a state of being; it expresses a conditional mood. It once meant to be indebted, but our current use really just indicates a feeling, not an actual state of being.

The irony is that our modern use of the word is just an emotion rather than an actual obligation.

We say, "I should go to the gym," not because we actually have to or because we are under some kind of legal contract requiring our gym attendance. (This is not to say you don't have to go to the gym. Still go to the gym. Just stick with me.)

Think about the times where using the word "should" has negatively impacted your life, and the positive benefits that came from stopping telling yourself that "you should be somewhere else."

How does the guilt of sitting in “I should be doing _____” feel?

For me, embracing this new paradigm has led to enjoying my writing more because I stopped thinking about what I should write, feeling better about my business because I stopped narrating what I should be doing, and embracing new opportunities because I shed my ideas about what success should look like.

When we say we "should" do something, what we are really saying is that we feel like we have to. But what is creating that feeling of obligation?

It's you.

You are the one who creates the idea that you should do anything, and you are the one who tells yourself what you're obligated to do, and you are the one who builds the cell around your free will in the process.

You are the creator of your own suffering.

Isn’t that both liberating and maddening?

There are two sides of the "should" coin: things we tell ourselves we should do and things we shouldn't do.

Both are the exact same: a self-imposed restriction.

"Should" is sometimes your mother on your shoulder telling you to clean your room and eat a vegetable, and "shouldn't" is sometimes the devil in disguise tempting you with that second piece of cake even though you really want it.

“Should” is the nagging feeling that you should put yourself out there more when you just want to stay at home and read.

“Shouldn’t” is that voice telling you to procrastinate or watch “just one more episode,” that makes the act self-pleasing guilt.

“Should” pushes you to sign up for that course or degree everyone says is the next step, even though you’re passions lie elsewhere.

“Shouldn’t” is the alluring whisper telling you not to chase your dreams because you’ve got bills to pay or you’re not good enough.

“Should” is forcing yourself to be productive every second of the day when what your body and mind really need is a guilt-free nap.

“Shouldn’t” is the quick and easy solution while ignoring the long-term effects.

“Should” and “shouldn’t” can be equally persuasive, and yet, both ultimately keep us spinning our wheels in the mud. They don’t require action and they don’t require decisiveness.

Then we enter the land of "probably…but"

I probably should, but…

I probably shouldn't, but…

Round and round we go, and all this adverb does is advertise to ourselves our own lack of certainty. When we add qualifiers and excuses, we perpetuate inaction and should ourselves in the foot in the process. We create uncertainty, and allow uncertainty to guide our decision making.

Sure, there are some things you probably should do. You probably should drink more water than beer and walk more than you sit.

And, there are indeed things you probably shouldn't do. You probably shouldn't eat pizza rolls three times a day or jump out of an airplane (I've done both by the way.)

And you probably shouldn't tell your mother you're getting a face tattoo and then lock your phone in a storage unit while you proceed to jump out of said airplane at 16,000ft. (Also done that.)

The land of shoulds and shouldn'ts is a trap in the wilderness that keeps you chained to the same behavior loop in perpetuity.

The truth is you don't have to do anything. You don't have to answer that phone call, or go to the gym, or go to that meeting.

You certainly can eat that entire pack of Oreos, drink a 12 pack every night, and stay up until 3 am watching TV.

You can do nothing, and you don't have to do anything.

You just have to be okay with the consequences. 

But "should" and "shouldn't" don't do you any good along the way. They act like ankle weights, simultaneously dragging you down and splitting you in two, one ankle being dragged towards what you want and the other tearing you towards what you tell yourself you should do while you sink deeper into indecision.

Indecision kills more dreams than a bad decision ever has.

"Should" and "shouldn't" serve one purpose: to split your spirit in two.

How do you solve this?

Replace "should" and “shouldn’t” with “will” and “won’t.”

I will go to the gym today. I won't eat an entire pizza.

“Will” and “won’t” shift the mind away from teetering in indecision and towards decisive action. "Should" and "shouldn't" are like standing on two separate balancing boards with a mind of their own; "will" and "won't" are the stable ground that allows you to confidently move in the right direction.

The thing about "will" and "won't" is that they are scary. They're definitive. They have weight, meaning, gravitas. And they’re much harder to go back on.

"Should" and "shouldn't?"

They're lackadaisical, complacent, and ropes that unknot as with the breeze. They encourage you to do the opposite.

Here’s what I want you to do this week:

• Identify your shoulds and shouldn’ts. You often hear me say our lives are the stories we tell ourselves, and this is no different. What do you tell yourself you should and shouldn’t do? Make a running list and update it every time you find yourself using these words.

• When you come up on a “should” or “shouldn’t,” dig deeper. Ask yourself why you’re telling yourself this story. Is it truly your desire, or is it someone else’s expectation?

• If your should or shouldn’t is a true desire, reframe it with a “will” or a “won’t.” Stop wallowing in indecision and make decisive actions and boundaries.

• Embrace the consequences. Acknowledge that every choice has a result and own it. Take responsibility for the actions you will take instead of passing it off to the ethereal should or shouldn’t.

The only thing you really should be doing is getting rid of that word from your vocabulary.

What will you do this week?

Have you been telling yourself you should get back in the gym? You should start eating healthier? You should get your life together?

Whatever your shoulds are, it’s time to ditch them because aren’t getting you anywhere and start living in the land of will. NeoNexus, my 3-month coaching program, will give you tools to stop the cycle of shoulds and guide you into taking action towards creating a life of intention, fulfillment, and unapologetic authenticity. Don’t keep shoulding yourself in the foot — it’s painful and leaves a big mess.

When you’re ready to stop the shoulds and begin the wills, fill out this form and let’s get to work.

Until next time, live uninterrupted.

~Coleman

I want to revisit my referral program since it’s been a while!

If you know someone who is stuck shoulding themselves in the foot and is ready to take action building a life of their dreams, I’d be honored if you mentioned my name.

In short, I bring wellness within reach for the hard worker who feels like it’s too hard to work on themselves. Living a happier, healthier life isn’t difficult, it just takes the right actions repeated every day, and that’s what we construct together.

I offer individual 60-minute sessions, 3-month ongoing private coaching through my NeoNexus Coaching Program, bi-monthly mentorships, as well as presentations for corporations, educational settings, and other organizations on holistic wellbeing. Even if my coaching services aren't for you right now, if you refer a client who signs up for a Wellness Clarity Session, you get one FREE! If you refer someone who signs up for my NeoNexus Coaching Program, you get a $100 gift card!

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