There is No "There" or "When"

How many times do you use the word, “can’t” in a day?

I’ve started listening more closely to the language people use to talk about their lives. I constantly hear words like, “can't,” and phrases like, “when I…” and “if I…”

I can't do this because I'm old.

I can't do this because I'm broke.

When I have the money, I’ll finally relax.

When I retire, then I’ll start enjoying my life.

If I only had the house I wanted, then I’d feel better.

If I weighed 150 pounds, then I’d like what I saw in the mirror.

Statements like these condition our happiness upon a set of external factors or in some distant, imaginary future.

A few years ago, I was having a conversation with my mentor lamenting about my income. I was feeling down because I didn’t have the money to live the life that I wanted to live. He asked me what I’d do if I suddenly had all the money I was begging the Universe for.

Like most people, I started listing everything I would buy and do. On that list was a bike. I was convinced that if I could buy a bike, “if I only had the money,” then I would finally be able to feel the way I wanted to feel. I was saying that if I had the money to buy and do these things, then I would be happy.

“The problem is not that you don't have the bike. The problem is that you think you need the bike.”

The problem wasn’t that I wanted a bike—there’s nothing wrong with wanting things. The problem was that I thought I needed it in order to feel whole and complete and happy and satisfied.

Happiness, contentment, joy, and peace are not conditioned by the external environment. Nor do they have to be chased or earned.

They are available to you right now.

In order to access them, all that is required is directing your attention towards them.

“Where your attention goes, your energy flows.” This mantra shows up repeatedly in Dr. Joe Dispenza’s book “Becoming Supernatural.” If we spend all of our attention thinking about the can’ts and won’ts and when-I's and if-I’s—the things we wish for or don't believe are available to us right now—then that is where our energy goes.

On the lack.

On how “hard” things are.

On how far away you are from whatever future point.

We get addicted to feelings of guilt, shame, and anger whether we like those feelings or not, because they are comfortable. The dread I felt every morning when I was a teacher was a familiar feeling, and even though the feeling wasn’t pleasant, it was addicting because it helped me to feel like “me” even if that wasn’t how I wanted to feel. And because I was addicted to it, I kept reinforcing those beliefs, reminding myself of how I felt every day and reminding myself that it was out of my control.

Every morning you remind yourself of who you are.

Have you ever had a really good nap in the middle of the day? The kind where you wake up disoriented, not knowing what day or time it is? That happens every single day. Every time you wake up, you have to remind yourself that you are you. Unconsciously, you remind yourself, “my name is such and such. This is what I have to do today. This is who I am, this is how I'm feeling.” Every morning, in that little gap of timeless space before you have a sense of self, you hit the refresh button and remind yourself of the narratives you keep holding.

If you remind yourself every single day, “I hate waking up in the morning,” “I hate my boss,” “I hate what I do,” “I wish I didn't have to do this,” “I can’t do that,” then of course that is going to be how you feel and what your reality shows you.

You are literally telling yourself how you want to feel each day.

My current favorite feature in Arete is the Morning Claim, which starts by asking, “How do you want to feel today?” I love this feature because it reminds me that I can choose how I want to feel throughout the day. I can choose to be angry and frustrated about a meeting or some tasks I “don’t want” to do, or I can choose to feel grateful and calm. I can choose to be upset about how much groceries or gas costs, or I can choose to feel grateful to have the money to buy them.

If you want to change that narrative, then you have to stop reminding yourself of the narrative that doesn’t serve you. Identity shifts start by no longer reinforcing the stories—about life, about the world, about yourself—that you don't want to tell anymore. And that is something that can only be done in the moment, when the thought arises.

Thoughts only exist in the present moment. Your to-do list only exists when you think about it, only when you remind yourself of it. Feelings are the same way. When you tell yourself, “I can't do this,” or, “I have to do this,” you are reminding yourself of that feeling of can't.

You have to remind yourself of that feeling of lack.

You have to remind yourself of that feeling of want.

Instead of reminding yourself of the feelings of can't, won't, and have to, what if you reminded yourself of the feelings that you wanted to have? What if you reminded yourself of the feeling of joy? What if you reminded yourself of being grateful for being alive in this moment? What if you reminded yourself of your ability to be here and whole and present in this moment, because that is all you ever have.

Start noticing the stories of cants that you are telling yourself and ask, “Is this helping me to actually get what I want? Is this helping me to get where I want to go?” Most of the time, these stories are not doing you any good. There's nothing wrong with wanting in life—but you're not going to get what you want if you keep believing that you can't have it. You’re not going to be able to do the things you want to do if you believe you can’t do them.

Start living your life from what you want to do. Put your energy and your attention into that, and life starts to fall into place around you.

I am the source of my joy. You are the source of yours.

This summer, which has been one of the most fulfilling in my life, I have been consciously peaceful and content right where I am. There was a time when I kept my visits to my hometown as short as possible before jetting off, eager to get back to my “own life.” This year, though, I’ve realized that whether I am in Kentucky, or in Illinois with my brother, or Florida with my “usual” life, there is no there or when.

There is only here.

Until next time, live uninterrupted.

~ Coleman